Pardon me while I ramble. Somewhere in these thoughts, maybe you’ll find something of value.
I’m turning 40, and one thing I’ve learned over the years is that life is painful. The older I get, the more I feel it in my body. Youth is fleeting, but it leaves behind a trail of wounds, injuries, and scars in its wake. (Even after I started writing this post, I experienced multiple instances of pain. I kicked a baby gate with my left foot and burned my right arm on the same day. Later in the week, I got bitten by one of our cats on that same arm.) I see life’s pain in our world with all its chaos and uncertainty, especially from just the last 5 years. I also see it in general as I get older; the longer we live, the more we face the loss of loved ones to death or broken relationships.
But that’s life. Life is filled with sadness, pain, and tragedy. In this, it becomes easy to accept the move from rose-colored glasses of childhood to jaded cynicism of adulthood. Because of this, the phrase “faith like a child” means something.
Ironically, our modern cultural is built around pain avoidance, all the while pain is all around us and in some ways reminds us we’re alive. We try to flee it or numb ourselves to it. We want everything to be “safe” and “sanitary,” but that’s not life. That’s existence, but that’s not life. Anyone with a child can tell you life is messy.
It’s not to say that life is just terrible and tragic, full of ugliness and misery. No, while pain is a part of this life, life itself is so much more than a downward doom spiral to the grave. This life is also filled with joy, laughter, and beauty that can’t be described or adequately captured with even the best camera. But these are reminders that pain and suffering aren’t all we have.
Over the last 40 years, the world has changed a lot, each decade abounding with more and more changes, both good and bad. As I look back over the last couple decades, I can see ways I’ve changed and ways I’ve stayed the same. I’ve changed in ways that I might not recognize myself as the person I used to be, but there are also parts that are still me.
In the past decade alone, I’ve experienced pains (some mentioned above) and celebrations. I’ve changed jobs, gotten married, had a child, and recently written a book. Each event an occasion to celebrate.
As I watch my child grow, I get to watch her experience the joy of simplicity, the wonderment of learning, and the trials of childhood. Trials that are trivialities to an adult. She possesses an innocence that seems all but lost in today’s world. Her world is not the big chaotic globe we all trod. It’s the home we live in, the people she knows, and the french fries she eats. She doesn’t yet know how messed up and painful the world is. One of her biggest “afflictions” is a parent disappearing for a few minutes into a room she can’t access. To her, this feels devastating.
Although she’s just starting out in life and I’m much further along, we both can and will experience pain to some degree or another over the years. But we’ll also experience joy and laughter. Somewhere between the two is this chaotic yet beautiful thing we call life.
Candidate X was popular with his constituents. He had ideas many of them approved of and promised to implement some of those ideas if elected. He was soon voted into office and became Leader X.
One day, Interested Businessman came up to Leader X and offered special support if he could sway constituents to vote on an idea that would help the town. Leader X was unsure of the idea, but he was always happy to have special support.
“They will never go for it,” Leader X reasoned, “unless…”
So he called a meeting and announced the idea, and like their leader, they were not sure about it either.
“It will help our town,” he calmly explained, adding “not voting for this idea is a threat to democracy.”
“Oh,” thought the constituents, “we like democracy.” So they agreed to the idea.
With the new idea in place, Leader X got his special support, but Businessman’s idea soon started causing some problems for the town. The townspeople suspected that Businessman’s business was the source of the problems, so they went to Leader X and asked him to look into it. Leader X agreed.
However, rather than addressing the issue, Interested Businessman offered a separate idea to Leader X. It was not a solution, but it would distract from the original issue. However, this too would require a vote and grant Leader X more authority. Leader X wanted people to know he was working to solve the problem, so he brought this new idea to the people.
“Failure to vote in agreement is a threat to democracy,” he reminded them.
So a majority approved of this new idea.
Soon enough, more problems began to develop, and people began to ask if they should’ve trusted Leader X. His judgment seemed to be questionable at best, detrimental at worst. However, others tried to reassure them that Leader X was not responsible for the problems, as he had looked for solutions. Some of them even noted that he “loves democracy, which is very important to our town.”
Leader X started to hear of murmurs and calls for his resignation. In his worry, he approached Interested Businessman for new ideas. Interested Businessman offered a third idea but added special support would be pulled if Leader X did not agree. Leader X didn’t want to lose his special support, so he went to the town and pitched the idea.
“We can’t do that,” Citizen L replied. “It’s not right and doesn’t solve the problem.” Many of the constituents agreed.
Taken aback by this response, Leader X quickly stated that following Citizen L’s advice was a threat to democracy. But they had heard it twice before, and things had only gotten worse. Undeterred by the push back, Leader X declared that Citizen L was an enemy of democracy and, using his newfound authority, had Citizen L arrested. Everyone else fell silent at this unexpected turn of events, for they had trusted Leader X’s bold stance for democracy.
Leader X remained in power for many years, continuing to have special support from Interested Businessman. Other business leaders had even thrown their own special support behind him. Meanwhile, the town eventually fell into disrepair. But people didn’t dare speak against Leader X or his ideas, for any opposition or disagreement was deemed a threat to democracy and was punished with indefinite imprisonment.
And so, the citizens learned too late the real threat to democracy.
Behold, children are a gift of the Lord, -Psalm 127:3a
Today is Father’s Day. And in honor of Father’s Day, I wanted to share some thoughts about being a dad.
I didn’t used to know how much I’d like being a dad, but being a dad is one of my greatest joys and privileges in life. I’m not gonna lie and say it’s always easy; because it’s not. Even just a few months in and with a mostly easygoing baby, it can still be difficult at times. Babies get messy, and they cry for reasons you have to try to figure out (food, usually food). Sometimes you might even get upset yourself. At them. But at the end of the day, there is something indescribable about being a parent. Though I can’t speak for what it means to be a mother, I can speak from my experience as a fledgling father. If I were to make a book on the joys of fatherhood at this stage, it would just be pictures of shirts covered in spit up and vomit. Sure it’s gross and will never not be gross, but beyond that grossness are cherished memories and precious time together.
While my daughter is just a few months on the outside of the womb, fatherhood for me did not begin the day she was born. It began months prior, as I was being prepared mentally and emotionally to begin my new role and be ready to step into dad mode. In many ways, nothing changes for a man when a child is expected. As a man, I am unable to experience pregnancy, to feel the movements, the quiet expectations, the internalization of what is happening to me. It’s only through my wife’s words and sonogram visits that I got a glimpse of what now is. (I’m thankful I work at a place that allowed me the opportunity to be at every appointment.)
That first sonogram made knowing I’m a father real, seeing the form of a tiny human, seeing those little undeveloped arm nubs, watching and hearing that tiny heartbeat for the first time. If a heart could smile, such an experience would’ve made my heart smile. We didn’t yet know if it was a boy or girl, but in those moments, it didn’t matter. There on that screen was our little bean. (Incidentally, it was in the shadow of Roe v Wade being overturned that we experienced this joyous occasion, and I couldn’t help but also be repulsed by the barbarity of those who pretend this isn’t what we could clearly see.)
When my daughter was born, she spent her first couple weeks in NICU. The reason wasn’t life-threatening per se, but it was enough to warrant a stay. In those days, weeks, and months leading up to our baby’s arrival, we were willing to accept parental advice from others. (It’s our first child, and we had no idea what we were doing.) But in all that advice, there was no preparing for this. Whatever we had thought or hoped might happen, we ended up spending days driving to and from a hospital to stay with our baby for a while, only to go home without her and do it again the next day. We even had icy weather that kept us away one of those days. It was a rather unpleasant time of uncertainty, but we were so happy and relieved when we could finally take our baby girl home with us.
Every once in a while, you might hear “my child taught me this or that.” My daughter is still an infant, so I can’t really say she’s taught me anything, but she gives me a reason to smile. More accurately, she is one of my reasons to smile; when I smile at her, she smiles back. I have resting baby face (in polite terms), and I don’t often think about smiling. I tend to be more focused on my own thoughts or whatever task I’m dealing with at the moment. But if I want to see her smile, I often must smile at her first. There are times she smiles unprompted, and I feel the urge to smile back. Sometimes she smiles big, showing gums and all, and that’s one of my favorite things in life: big smiles from my little girl.
Being a parent means a lot of decisions, responsibilities, and sacrifice. Needless to say, fatherhood is not always glitz and glamour; maybe it never is. Unfortunately, too many men abandon fatherhood too quickly, in some case before the baby even arrives. They run away from the responsibility of parenthood, but they also miss out on things that make it special, such as just holding one’s own baby. I’ve held babies of friends and family, but there’s something special about holding my own baby in my arms, watching that baby fall asleep on my chest, even with the unspoken understanding such moments won’t last forever. I know my daughter won’t stay little forever. (Admittedly, there’s a part of me that wishes she could, but that’s not how life works.) Maybe it goes without saying that there’s incredible responsibility as a parent, but there’s also joy that comes with being one. In spite of all the diaper changes and spit up, holding my own baby is one the most special experiences I know of, and it makes all the challenges worth it.
As I mentioned, I’m just starting out on this journey called parenthood, more specifically fatherhood, so I don’t have any deep insights about raising children. Although there is more that I could say about being a dad, I’m still learning how to raise an infant. I can’t see how my baby will turn out, and I don’t know what mistakes I’ll make along the way either. I do know my baby won’t be a baby forever, so for now I’m going to hold her close and enjoy my time with her while she still is. Spit up and all.
When you can’t see the forest For the trees When your mind’s all a jumble And ill at ease Sometimes the only thing You can do Is rest, rest, rest in Him
When your troubles Feel overwhelming And you don’t know What the future holds
Just remember Who holds the future
You may not understand But you know He’s got a plan Amidst your troubles and circumstance
Sometimes the only thing You can do Is rest, rest, rest in Him
It’s not always easy That much I know Sometimes things get really crazy
You may not understand But you know He’s got a plan Amidst your troubles and circumstance
Sometimes the only thing You can do Is rest, rest, rest in Him
Language is the basis of communication, for without language, there is no communication. However, whenever language is coopted or perverted, miscommunication and chaos are inevitable. These are not mere pitfalls on the evolution of language; they are the destination. When people can’t agree on what something means or find common understanding of terms, communication becomes difficult, if not impossible. This is even more so when simple words are deemed undefinable. If you say “cat” and I picture a squirrel, dog, or pylon, we’re not referring to the same thing. If I keep pressing that we are referring to the same thing, dialogue becomes problematic.
We’re living in an age of subjective science based on feelings, rather than objective observances. If I were to say gravity doesn’t exist because I don’t feel it, one need merely point out objects falling to show gravity does exist as something specific. But if I claim falling is when things go up, one can either accept my truth that falling is when things go up or counter this by dropping an object and possibly be labeled a “graviphobe” for disagreeing. Congratulations, gravity now has two opposite meanings. Add more definitions or non-definitions to “gravity” and multiply that by a big enough magnitude, conversations about gravity require excess steps of clarification that might not even clarify.
People can identify by identifying.
At some point in the recent past, people decided certain basic biological words don’t really mean what anyone thinks they mean or have no meaning at all. Now others just have to accept non-definable terms as reality without question or risk being labeled a “phobe” or worse for objecting to being forced to accept this distortion of language as truth. (Incidentally, “phobe/phobia” used to mean fear of something specific; now people use it when someone else disagrees, while elevating that disagreement to fear.)
These days people can identify as the opposite sex merely by identifying as it. People need not describe what it actually means to FEEL like a man or woman or why they feel that way, but simply to stand on it as such and force others to accept it as reality. What does being a man feel like? What does being a woman feel like? What does feeling feel like? These are not questions explored, but declarations shouted from the Twitter tops that “hey, I’m a woman now because I said so!” Asking what the word “woman” means is often met with “someone who identifies as a woman.” I am a circle; therefore, I am a circle. One can either accept this as truth or counter with the biological understanding of woman and be labeled a “transphobe” for disagreeing with this assessment. Congratulations, “woman” is now an empty, meaningless shell of a term.
One of the effects of emptying these terms of definable qualities or features is that if “man” and “woman” are amorphous terms, then claiming to change from one to the other doesn’t mean anything. Conversely, if the terms have set distinctives, changing is impossible. Either way, it’s a self-defeating premise. The irony is that this supposed change affirms that men and women are different; it just doesn’t know how.
Unrelated but related
Supposedly, gender is unrelated to sex; some people will tell you gender changes, but sex does not. However, those who claim this view either fail to realize or fail to acknowledge the immutable gives way to the mutable. In order to accommodate gender change, biological physiology gets modified, terminology gets unnecessarily wordy, and/or clarity gets murky. Instead of using biology as the de facto understanding of what a man or woman is and helping people come to terms, word usage is manipulated to enhance the confusion. Actual woman is relegated to such terms as “vagina owner*,” “person who can get pregnant and bleed” (excessive wordiness good for a 2,000-word paper), or “gestational parent.” While these words are technically-correct descriptors of women, they sound more clinical than personal and come across as condescending. However, the implication in their usage by people who do so without a hint of irony is that men can fall under the umbrella of womanhood just by looking like a woman, while overlooking the fact that man cannot do these things anyway. Also, for things that aren’t related, descriptors of sexual function are still used to make distinctions.
For something that’s unrelated to sex, transgenderism is also couched in the numerous acronymic letters, the first three (at least) dealing with sexuality, not genderality. We’re told there’s a spectrum of genders, but if there aren’t only two genders, the first 3 letters are rendered meaningless or broadened into nonsense. Transgenderism undermines and rejects homosexuality as a concept; otherwise, it requires an inconsistent logic to maintain itself. Additionally, it implies people are really attracted to shallow abstract ideas represented by people, rather than people themselves. If someone is attracted to a specific sex and not simply someone else claiming to be a specific gender, that person becomes the bad guy in a lot of people’s minds. One doesn’t have to look very far online to see people get offended because others aren’t interested in entertaining this distortion of terminology or biology.
Switch-and-bait
If sex and gender use the same word but one has to distort the other into confusion to validate itself, this reveals the reality. In essence, this view that men and women don’t have set distinctives, one can become the other simply by declaring it so, and anyone who disagrees is reduced to a negative label is psychology gaslighting biology, telling it to take a back seat.
Men and women are different biologically, but transgenderism sees people as nothing more than interchangeable parts and empty terminology. Being biologically different doesn’t mean men and women shouldn’t be viewed as equals. Women have fought hard just to be recognized and taken seriously irrespective of their biological designs. If a woman can be easily replaced with a biological man who claims to be a woman, it’s hailed as a breakthrough in the name of progress by many; however, it demonstrates men and women are not truly viewed as equals. Why have someone who could get pregnant and might be away from a job for months when you can get someone without the capacity to become pregnant because they look superficially the same. Why pick for a sport someone who’s not as physically strong/fast as someone whose biological structure gives a physical advantage, if he just claims to be a she. Conversely, if a woman is only respected because people thinks she’s a man, she’s not actually respected. Just look up female authors who used male pseudonyms to have their work recognized.
This substituting one sex for another and calling it legit is nothing more than linguistic bait-and-switch. In any other line of thinking, bait-and-switch is frowned upon; if someone tries to sell you one thing that is really another, they are (or should be) called out on it. This is not the case with transgenderism. People are expected to bend over backwards trying to accommodate something that isn’t definable and even warps language into incoherency and apparent contradictions.
This is where we find ourselves today. Confusion and chaos. And people are just supposed to accept it without question. Those who oppose this line of thinking or point out its flaws are labeled as “phobes” in order to shut down opposition.
*Body part ownership makes them sound detachable and/or transferrable like pieces of property. I don’t own my body parts; they’re part of my whole.
Addendum: transgenderism breaks gender stereotypes by reinforcing gender stereotypes. Rather than saying boys can play with dolls, people have decided dolls are for girls. If a boy plays with a doll, people claim he’s a girl, which reinforces only girls play with dolls.
This wasn’t a surprise. My family knew this was coming; we just didn’t know when. She turned 90 years old back in October (any potential celebration destroyed by COVIDstances) and had a health scare back in November.
Her mental (and inevitably her physical health) had been failing for some time, and her last few years were spent in a nursing facility after being hospitalized by a fall she couldn’t remember. It was so difficult to watch her decline every time my wife and I went to visit her. My last memory of her being lucid was during that hospital visit after her fall (I was not expecting the lucidity); otherwise, we got stuck in conversation loops that I never really knew how to handle.
When I got the news of her passing, I didn’t feel anything specific. Maybe it’s because last year has left so many of us feeling emotionally drained in some ways. Or maybe it’s because I’d already come to terms with her being gone and had expected the news some time ago. When she did have that health scare, I had felt some bit of anxiousness (Is it COVID? Will she make it?), but hearing she was gone didn’t phase me at first. It wasn’t until I was writing out about not feeling anything that I did begin to feel some sort of sadness and cry some tears. Perhaps in writing it out there was some catharsis or realization of the reality that she’s gone.
The last time I saw her was last February, just before COVID sent everyone and everything into a spiral. I had decided to visit her because a dream I’d had that week about her passing away. It woke me up feeling panicky. I don’t remember the details of the dream, other than that specific thing. I don’t know why I had that dream. I kinda waited to see if anything might’ve happened in the real world, but I never heard any news, which was somewhat of a relief. I had thought of mentioning the dream to my family when I mentioned going to visit, but I had only told it to my wife. The dream itself was enough to shake me, but not worrying enough to bring up to my family. Maybe I should’ve. Would they have gone with me because of a dream? Would I have if someone else had that dream? I don’t know. None of us knew the months ahead would become what they did. Even though there was no news and it was just a dream, I still wanted to go see her. Given her state of health, I didn’t know if I might get another chance.
Edward Antonym 