I mentioned previously that my father-in-law passed away earlier this year. Today (Dec 7) marks what would’ve been his 70th birthday. In honor of his birthday, I wanted to share the full text of what I wrote for his memorial service.
I’m not holding onto You But You’re holding onto me
These lyrics from a Casting Crowns song that remind me God is holding on and not the other way around have been a comfort during this sad and difficult time; the day I learned of Jim’s passing, those words kept playing in my mind while I was driving. I don’t cry very often, and I like to think the light rain falling that day was for the tears I felt unable to shed, but listening to that song and being reminded that God is holding on allowed me an opportunity to cry for Jim’s passing.
The day I heard he passed, I knew I wanted to say something at his service, but I didn’t know what at the time. I only knew him for not quite three years before he passed, so I don’t have any deep, meaningful, or funny stories to share about his life. In the time I’ve known him, his health limited his travel ability, so almost the only time I spent with him was when Jaimee and I would visit Denton. The most meaningful one-on-one conversation we had was the day I talked with him about marrying Jaimee when I asked him about his life, but there were things I still didn’t know about him until Jaimee and I were sorting through photos for his slideshow.
Jim, or as I had started calling him “J-Pop” in recent months, was by no means perfect; he was a man rough around the edges. He was stubborn with a sarcastic sense of humor; we connected over that shared style of humor and a love for his daughter Jaimee. There’s a special place in his heart for Jaimee, being his only daughter, his only child. Both are strong-willed people, and they had their disagreements, but at the end of the day they loved each other. I know he wanted to see her happy and was glad he lived long enough to walk her down the aisle, even if it was only part of the way.
Before we met, Jaimee was his primary caretaker, so he came to depend on her for a lot. I never said it before he passed, but there were times I felt as if I took her away from him, but sometimes change motivates growth. When Jaimee and I first got engaged and she was getting ready to move out, Jim went into denial that his little girl was growing up, but he eventually came to terms with what was happening. Once he accepted she was moving out and getting married, he started to do more things for himself for a while, which improved his demeanor, but at some point his health began to decline again. Because he had health problems, lived alone, and was a bit of a distance from us, we wanted him to think about living in a retirement community, but being the stubborn man he was, he didn’t want to leave his house or his cats. He loved those cats and took care of them, often at the expense of himself and his health. I’m not sure if he loved Jaimee or his cats more, but he didn’t have pictures of his cats around his house or in his wallet.
Since he didn’t travel much, there wasn’t a lot we could do together, but after Jaimee and I got married, we would go to Denton to visit every few Saturdays, spend some time together, and maybe play Spades or Farkle with Jim and Janet. You need four people for Spades, and Janet wasn’t very good when we started playing, but Jim taught her to become a much better Spades player and a more-formidable opponent. Even though we didn’t do much together as a family, those visits would brighten his day.
We also liked to joke around together. While playing games, he would jokingly tell me to watch out for Jaimee as if she was trouble. As we would get ready to leave for the day, he would jokingly tell her to take care of me like I was helpless, and we would tell him we take care of each other. We shared other jokes and sarcastic quips together over the last couple years. Jim may be gone, but his sense of humor lives on through Jaimee.
God’s timing is never our timing. Jim was months away from turning 70, a milestone we would’ve liked to celebrate together. He may not have lived as long as we would’ve liked, but he lived longer than even he expected and got to see his only daughter get married. We wish Jim could’ve lived a few more years, maybe one day get to see and hold a grandchild, but God had other plans. We may never know why Jim was taken from us when he was, but I am reminded that God is still here; he is in control and has His reasons, and He is still holding onto us, and this has brought me comfort as we mourn Jim’s passing. We’re told in 1 Thessalonians – which the pastor read for us– that we who are in Christ don’t mourn as those who have no hope; hope in this case is not a wishful longing, but an assurance of what is to come, that we will one day see our loved ones who have died in Christ; though we grieve now for Jim’s passing, one day we will see him again.
We may never plan for the day we lose a loved one, but that day still comes. We may never expect to say that last goodbye, but those words will be spoken. We think we’ll see someone tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow comes alone.
If you love someone, don’t neglect to tell them so. Always say goodbye when you leave the ones you know. There will be a time you can’t, for tomorrow will one day come alone.
Jim, we love you and miss you. For now we say goodbye, but someday we’ll see you again.
(In honor of my father-in-law, who passed away in early June)
We may never plan for the day we lose a loved one, but that day still comes. We may never expect to say that last goodbye, but those words will be spoken. We think we’ll see someone tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow comes alone.
If you love someone, don’t neglect to tell them so. Always say goodbye when you leave the ones you know. There will be a time you can’t, for tomorrow will one day come alone.
It’s been about ten years since my life first took a change for the better. I didn’t know how much could change in that length of time, but looking back I can see how different my life looks compared to what it was.
The short version is my life was going nowhere. I was stuck in empty routines and living with untapped potential. I was somewhat self-enclosed and shut off from people around me. In some ways, I struggled with depression and didn’t have much sense of self-worth. I felt as if no one knew the real me or cared. I had what I call “hello, goodbye” relationships.1
I grew up in the church, so I know what it’s like to live in a “church world” bubble and not see or understand what’s going on in the rest of the world, to not care about what’s going on around me. It eventually became a place I went to, something I did, a mindless routine in a week of nothing. For a little over 24 years, I stayed at the church I was basically born into and the place I got saved, but I finally decided to leave a place I had grown up and venture somewhere else. By the time I left, there was a generational gap between most of the people and myself; my brother and I were the “young adults.” It’s hard to feel a sense of belonging if there’s no one to relate.2
Prior to leaving I had felt little real world connection and instead retreated into an online world where I had connected with people I didn’t know in person. Ironically, I developed some lacking social skills by interacting with people online and being part of their virtual community. I was (still am sorta) part of a LEGO forum that allowed me to express myself and connect with others in ways I hadn’t previously learned.3 I’ve since had a chance to meet some of these people and develop some friendships with them.
Before stepping out of what we knew, my brother and I were invited to visit a few church locations, one of which we chose to become members. There were plenty of people around our age, and there was some activity for such people, the first such event for us being June 17, 2009. So we settled in, though I stayed for about four years. In that time, I began to cultivate friendships with people my own age and more or less left the online forum for real world relationships. (This was also when Facebook and social media started taking off.) While I was part of this community, I did have a chance to travel to Hungary a couple of times and teach English at a summer camp, which was something I’d never done before. (It was also my first flight… two birds, one stone.) Eventually the number of young adults began to decline– along with other changes, and I again started to feel as if something was missing.
Before leaving there, I had been part of Bible study comprised of people I didn’t at first know but grew close with. It was led by a couple who became like mentors to me; they taught me things about myself and helped me grow into adulthood like no one else before. Under their guidance, I got my first “real” job, bought my first car, and moved out of my parents’ house. But then came the time the couple moved to California. It was bittersweet. We were sad to see them go but happy for their new beginning. Also, we had become somewhat insulated within our group, and after they left, the group kind of fell apart for various reasons (not necessarily all bad ones). We each branched out in different directions; some of us still keep in touch, but for the most part, people have since gone different ways.
That job I mentioned was not the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it did allow me an opportunity to grow as a person and develop some work skills, but it was a night job, so it also severely isolated me more than I had been previously and made me really feel the need for other people in my life. For five-and-a-half years, I worked nights and didn’t have much opportunity for social interaction outside of work. Since I worked nights, I was perpetually tired and miserable; I learned how much I had taken sleeping at nights for granted.4
Once the Bible study group dissolved, I felt more and more alone. I was living by myself and still working nights, and there weren’t a lot of people my age around me. Several months later, I wound up at a new church community with people around my own age, which was cathartic and helpful. For a time in my life, being around older people made me feel sad and somewhat depressed. But I was able to overcome this difficulty by building that missing connection of peers. I eventually found myself having no problems with being around people of any age group. However, due to my work schedule and living arrangement, there was so much I couldn’t be a part of, so I still had very little social life.
As I mentioned, I lived by myself part of the time I working nights. I managed for two-and-a-half years, and I learned more about myself. Unfortunately, due to circumstances, I opted to find a roommate and ended up in house with some other guys. Within a year of moving, my life took a few more major turns, and this was again for the better. I managed to find a job that is better in so many ways. After several years of working nights, I was finally able to work days and soon began to feel alive again.5 Soon after starting my job, I met the woman I would marry within a year’s time. : Since I began my daytime job, I was able to get better transportation (and I drove happily ever after, right?).
Aside from connecting with other people, being part of my current church community has allowed me creative opportunities like never before. During the time I felt little connection to the real world, I would write for myself in a journal because it seemed no one paid attention. Then I started relating to people online and in the real world, then began writing for audiences beyond myself. Eventually I figured out to some degree who I was as an artist and learned to write and share more openly. I’ve had some public performances, which I’ve enjoyed.
As I look back and reminisce, I see how my life is different. During the past 10 years, my life has had several changes, major and minor. There’s a lot more I could write about: of celebration and loss, of new places and experiences, of things learned, and the list goes on. But there are decisions I regret and mental reminders I’d rather forget, things I wish could’ve gone differently, but that is the past and cannot be change.
I may not have always seen God’s hand during my circumstances or understood why at the time, but I know He has brought me through for a purpose, even if I don’t know what. I may not have always focused on God during these last ten years of transition, but I know He’s watching over me. All I have to do is look back and see how my life has changed from someone who basically wanted to be left alone to someone who is learning to love other people and enjoys being alive.
Who knows what the next ten years will bring.
1 The kind in which people ask how you’re doing, and you say “fine/okay” and they say “good” and move on.
2 There was one older guy I talked with about stuff, but he had passed away shortly before I left.
3 The Internet is such a wonderfully-interesting tool.
4 I have a perpetual reminder of my job via tinnitus in my left ear.
5 I still have issues with sleeping at times, but for the most part I feel more energized than I once did.
As another year comes to a close, I thought I’d take a look back and briefly summarize how my life has changed in 2016.
I started this year by working a night job I’d been at for over five years. I was feeling more and more burnt out as time progressed and in some ways losing touch with reality. But for a few anchor points, I could barely keep days straight, as one bled into the next. Also, due to my awkward sleep and work schedule, I missed out on opportunities for social interaction, which helped perpetuate feelings of isolation. I felt trapped and didn’t know how much longer I could take it.
Things began to change within a few months, as I started looking for work elsewhere. In mid-April I found a different job that seemed a good fit, even though it was a line of work I wasn’t familiar. From my brief interaction with some of the employees while interviewing, they seemed to enjoy what they did. In addition, it was better pay and hours. After accepting the job offer, I soon began to feel a pending sense of freedom. I think I’ve spent the past several months still recovering from the physical and mental damage of having worked nights for so long, but that time shift alone was enough to begin recovery.
After being there less than a month, one of my coworkers tried setting me up with her kids’ former nanny. About a month later (this was June), I was meeting up with a wonderful woman for what would become the first of many dates. By the end of October, we were engaged and are now looking forward to our wedding in April.
What started out as a somewhat bleak year in my life has ended up becoming one of the best. There were high and low points during this year. Some bad decisions and some good decisions were made along the way, but by God’s grace I made it.
Onward to 2017! It’s going to be an interesting year.
Word of Life, from the beginning
We have heard Him
We have seen Him
We looked and we touched
Life manifested to us from the Father
What we witnessed, we proclaim
We fellowship with the Father
And His Son Jesus Christ
This is our joy. This is our message.
God is light, possessing no darkness.
If we say we have fellowship yet walk in darkness,
We live a lie, not truth
But if we walk in the Light, we have fellowship
And Christ’s blood cleanses our sins.
If we say we don’t sin
We live, though deceived
But sin when confessed
His forgiveness receives
If we say we don’t sin
We call God a liar
His word is not in us.
Little children, don’t sin
That’s why I write
But if you do sin
Your Advocate is Christ
For us and the world
Sin is why He died
If we obey Him
We know Him.
If we say we know Him
But do not follow Him,
Do we really know Him?
When we keep His word,
God’s love is perfected
But when we don’t listen,
His word’s misdirected.
To walk as He walked
This commandment’s not new
Though you heard it before
Yet I rewrite it to you
A new command I also write
To hate your brother
Is darkness, not light
To walk with hate
Is to walk without sight
I write to you, children
Your sins are forgiven
And you know the Father
I write to you, fathers
You know Him
Who is from the beginning
I write to you, young men
You overcame the evil one
You are strong
God’s word is in you.
To love the world,
Its lusts, which are passing,
Is to hate the Father
The One who is lasting
You know the truth
It’s to you I write
You believe Jesus
Is He who is Christ
Those who deny this
Deny Father and Son
And are not anointed
By the Holy One
Now this is a promise
We have in Christ
We’ll not end in death
But from the grave rise
For God grants His child
Eternal life
This is a promise
That you can receive
For you are His child
If Him you believe
How great is God’s love
To be called His child
Yet the world does not know us
For it did not know Him
Abide in Christ
Then when He appears
Your confidence assured
You’ll have nothing to fear
Though we know not what we’ll be
When Jesus we see
We know we’ll be like Him
He is our surety.
In this we hope
And live with purity
Sin and lawlessness
Are one and the same
Yet conquering sin
Is why Jesus came
Sin is of the devil
So don’t live as he
Righteousness is of God
So live righteously
This is how a child is known
Which father he has
Whose seed has been sown
The seed of God results in what’s right
Love for one’s brother
Love for each other
Look at Cain
His brother he killed
The reason because Cain was e-vil
Don’t be surprised
By the world and its hate
Give me a moment
I’ll elaborate
Death and life are mutually exclusive
Hate is of death
Life is of love
Hate is from below
Life is from above
What does it mean?
Perhaps you might ask
Let me illustrate
With one simple task:
You can help someone out,
A brother in need,
Yet choose to ignore him
That’s living selfishly
Love not in word only
But also in deed
Love is best expressed
When sacrificial, you see.
In this assurance
Our hearts can confide
By this we can know
It’s in Christ we abide
This is confirmed
By His Spirit inside.
Now not every spirit
Represents Jesus Christ
Don’t follow the false ones
His humanity they deny
They are of the world
They follow a lie
Love is of God
Let’s love each other so
That we demonstrate love
Of the God that we know
His Son’s death on the cross
How His love He did show.
No one’s seen God
That much is true
But of this we testify
And pass on to you
Jesus is God’s Son
Who came in the flesh
This is a truth
His children confess
By this you can know
Your love is sincere
When you live in the world
Yet without fear
Of the day of judgment
As it draws near
Love casts out fear
And God first loved you
Because of God’s love
You can love too
Now if you say you love God
Whom you’ve not seen
But then hate your brother
How can this be
When love’s a commandment
God gave unto thee?
Christ is of God
His life He did give
In order to show us
How we ought to live
The world full of fear
Cannot know love
When it denies
The One from above
This is the world
That Christ overcame
If you believe Him
You’re promised the same.
Both water and Spirit
And also the blood
Testify that Jesus
Is man, yet He’s God
The Spirit is truth
And so cannot lie
This is the message
That He testifies
These three witnesses
They all agree
Christ put on flesh
Yet is still deity
God’s Son is the one
Who grants victory
These things I have written
To you who believe
And know eternal life
Is what you receive
Since we’re God’s children
He hears our prayers
He gives what we need
And that shows He cares
So if you have a request
He wants you to share
If you see a brother
Who’s caught in sin
Pray that God will grant
Victory to him
There is a sin
Which leads not to death
But sin at its core
Is unrighteousness
Those born of God
Cannot keep sinning
For God who is holy
Is the one who is winning
And He is the one
In whom we’re depending
He’s also the one
Who gives understanding
Here’s one last thing
That I wish to convey
It’s by Christ’s death
Sin’s washed away
So follow the truth
Not that which is false
It wasn’t the idols
That died on the cross.
