(In honor of my father-in-law, who passed away in early June)
We may never plan for the day we lose a loved one, but that day still comes.
We may never expect to say that last goodbye, but those words will be spoken.
We think we’ll see someone tomorrow, but sometimes tomorrow comes alone.
If you love someone, don’t neglect to tell them so.
Always say goodbye when you leave the ones you know.
There will be a time you can’t, for tomorrow will one day come alone.
It’s been about ten years since my life first took a change for the better. I didn’t know how much could change in that length of time, but looking back I can see how different my life looks compared to what it was.
The short version is my life was going nowhere. I was stuck in empty routines and living with untapped potential. I was somewhat self-enclosed and shut off from people around me. In some ways, I struggled with depression and didn’t have much sense of self-worth. I felt as if no one knew the real me or cared. I had what I call “hello, goodbye” relationships.1
I grew up in the church, so I know what it’s like to live in a “church world” bubble and not see or understand what’s going on in the rest of the world, to not care about what’s going on around me. It eventually became a place I went to, something I did, a mindless routine in a week of nothing. For a little over 24 years, I stayed at the church I was basically born into and the place I got saved, but I finally decided to leave a place I had grown up and venture somewhere else. By the time I left, there was a generational gap between most of the people and myself; my brother and I were the “young adults.” It’s hard to feel a sense of belonging if there’s no one to relate.2
Prior to leaving I had felt little real world connection and instead retreated into an online world where I had connected with people I didn’t know in person. Ironically, I developed some lacking social skills by interacting with people online and being part of their virtual community. I was (still am sorta) part of a LEGO forum that allowed me to express myself and connect with others in ways I hadn’t previously learned.3 I’ve since had a chance to meet some of these people and develop some friendships with them.
Before stepping out of what we knew, my brother and I were invited to visit a few church locations, one of which we chose to become members. There were plenty of people around our age, and there was some activity for such people, the first such event for us being June 17, 2009. So we settled in, though I stayed for about four years. In that time, I began to cultivate friendships with people my own age and more or less left the online forum for real world relationships. (This was also when Facebook and social media started taking off.) While I was part of this community, I did have a chance to travel to Hungary a couple of times and teach English at a summer camp, which was something I’d never done before. (It was also my first flight… two birds, one stone.) Eventually the number of young adults began to decline– along with other changes, and I again started to feel as if something was missing.
Before leaving there, I had been part of Bible study comprised of people I didn’t at first know but grew close with. It was led by a couple who became like mentors to me; they taught me things about myself and helped me grow into adulthood like no one else before. Under their guidance, I got my first “real” job, bought my first car, and moved out of my parents’ house. But then came the time the couple moved to California. It was bittersweet. We were sad to see them go but happy for their new beginning. Also, we had become somewhat insulated within our group, and after they left, the group kind of fell apart for various reasons (not necessarily all bad ones). We each branched out in different directions; some of us still keep in touch, but for the most part, people have since gone different ways.
That job I mentioned was not the greatest thing since sliced bread, but it did allow me an opportunity to grow as a person and develop some work skills, but it was a night job, so it also severely isolated me more than I had been previously and made me really feel the need for other people in my life. For five-and-a-half years, I worked nights and didn’t have much opportunity for social interaction outside of work. Since I worked nights, I was perpetually tired and miserable; I learned how much I had taken sleeping at nights for granted.4
Once the Bible study group dissolved, I felt more and more alone. I was living by myself and still working nights, and there weren’t a lot of people my age around me. Several months later, I wound up at a new church community with people around my own age, which was cathartic and helpful. For a time in my life, being around older people made me feel sad and somewhat depressed. But I was able to overcome this difficulty by building that missing connection of peers. I eventually found myself having no problems with being around people of any age group. However, due to my work schedule and living arrangement, there was so much I couldn’t be a part of, so I still had very little social life.
As I mentioned, I lived by myself part of the time I working nights. I managed for two-and-a-half years, and I learned more about myself. Unfortunately, due to circumstances, I opted to find a roommate and ended up in house with some other guys. Within a year of moving, my life took a few more major turns, and this was again for the better. I managed to find a job that is better in so many ways. After several years of working nights, I was finally able to work days and soon began to feel alive again.5 Soon after starting my job, I met the woman I would marry within a year’s time. : Since I began my daytime job, I was able to get better transportation (and I drove happily ever after, right?).
Aside from connecting with other people, being part of my current church community has allowed me creative opportunities like never before. During the time I felt little connection to the real world, I would write for myself in a journal because it seemed no one paid attention. Then I started relating to people online and in the real world, then began writing for audiences beyond myself. Eventually I figured out to some degree who I was as an artist and learned to write and share more openly. I’ve had some public performances, which I’ve enjoyed.
As I look back and reminisce, I see how my life is different. During the past 10 years, my life has had several changes, major and minor. There’s a lot more I could write about: of celebration and loss, of new places and experiences, of things learned, and the list goes on. But there are decisions I regret and mental reminders I’d rather forget, things I wish could’ve gone differently, but that is the past and cannot be change.
I may not have always seen God’s hand during my circumstances or understood why at the time, but I know He has brought me through for a purpose, even if I don’t know what. I may not have always focused on God during these last ten years of transition, but I know He’s watching over me. All I have to do is look back and see how my life has changed from someone who basically wanted to be left alone to someone who is learning to love other people and enjoys being alive.
Who knows what the next ten years will bring.
1 The kind in which people ask how you’re doing, and you say “fine/okay” and they say “good” and move on.
2 There was one older guy I talked with about stuff, but he had passed away shortly before I left.
3 The Internet is such a wonderfully-interesting tool.
4 I have a perpetual reminder of my job via tinnitus in my left ear.
5 I still have issues with sleeping at times, but for the most part I feel more energized than I once did.
As another year comes to a close, I thought I’d take a look back and briefly summarize how my life has changed in 2016.
I started this year by working a night job I’d been at for over five years. I was feeling more and more burnt out as time progressed and in some ways losing touch with reality. But for a few anchor points, I could barely keep days straight, as one bled into the next. Also, due to my awkward sleep and work schedule, I missed out on opportunities for social interaction, which helped perpetuate feelings of isolation. I felt trapped and didn’t know how much longer I could take it.
Things began to change within a few months, as I started looking for work elsewhere. In mid-April I found a different job that seemed a good fit, even though it was a line of work I wasn’t familiar. From my brief interaction with some of the employees while interviewing, they seemed to enjoy what they did. In addition, it was better pay and hours. After accepting the job offer, I soon began to feel a pending sense of freedom. I think I’ve spent the past several months still recovering from the physical and mental damage of having worked nights for so long, but that time shift alone was enough to begin recovery.
After being there less than a month, one of my coworkers tried setting me up with her kids’ former nanny. About a month later (this was June), I was meeting up with a wonderful woman for what would become the first of many dates. By the end of October, we were engaged and are now looking forward to our wedding in April.
What started out as a somewhat bleak year in my life has ended up becoming one of the best. There were high and low points during this year. Some bad decisions and some good decisions were made along the way, but by God’s grace I made it.
Onward to 2017! It’s going to be an interesting year.
Word of Life, from the beginning We have heard Him We have seen Him We looked and we touched Life manifested to us from the Father What we witnessed, we proclaim
We fellowship with the Father And His Son Jesus Christ This is our joy. This is our message. God is light, possessing no darkness.
If we say we have fellowship yet walk in darkness, We live a lie, not truth But if we walk in the Light, we have fellowship And Christ’s blood cleanses our sins.
If we say we don’t sin We live, though deceived But sin when confessed His forgiveness receives If we say we don’t sin We call God a liar His word is not in us.
Little children, don’t sin That’s why I write But if you do sin Your Advocate is Christ For us and the world Sin is why He died
If we obey Him We know Him. If we say we know Him But do not follow Him, Do we really know Him?
When we keep His word, God’s love is perfected But when we don’t listen, His word’s misdirected.
To walk as He walked This commandment’s not new Though you heard it before Yet I rewrite it to you
A new command I also write To hate your brother Is darkness, not light To walk with hate Is to walk without sight
I write to you, children Your sins are forgiven And you know the Father I write to you, fathers You know Him Who is from the beginning I write to you, young men You overcame the evil one You are strong God’s word is in you.
To love the world, Its lusts, which are passing, Is to hate the Father The One who is lasting
You know the truth It’s to you I write You believe Jesus Is He who is Christ Those who deny this Deny Father and Son And are not anointed By the Holy One
Now this is a promise We have in Christ We’ll not end in death But from the grave rise For God grants His child Eternal life
This is a promise That you can receive For you are His child If Him you believe
How great is God’s love To be called His child Yet the world does not know us For it did not know Him
Abide in Christ Then when He appears Your confidence assured You’ll have nothing to fear
Though we know not what we’ll be When Jesus we see We know we’ll be like Him He is our surety. In this we hope And live with purity
Sin and lawlessness Are one and the same Yet conquering sin Is why Jesus came Sin is of the devil So don’t live as he Righteousness is of God So live righteously
This is how a child is known Which father he has Whose seed has been sown The seed of God results in what’s right Love for one’s brother Love for each other
Look at Cain His brother he killed The reason because Cain was e-vil
Don’t be surprised By the world and its hate Give me a moment I’ll elaborate Death and life are mutually exclusive Hate is of death Life is of love Hate is from below Life is from above
What does it mean? Perhaps you might ask Let me illustrate With one simple task: You can help someone out, A brother in need, Yet choose to ignore him That’s living selfishly Love not in word only But also in deed Love is best expressed When sacrificial, you see.
In this assurance Our hearts can confide By this we can know It’s in Christ we abide This is confirmed By His Spirit inside.
Now not every spirit Represents Jesus Christ Don’t follow the false ones His humanity they deny They are of the world They follow a lie
Love is of God Let’s love each other so That we demonstrate love Of the God that we know His Son’s death on the cross How His love He did show.
No one’s seen God That much is true But of this we testify And pass on to you Jesus is God’s Son Who came in the flesh This is a truth His children confess
By this you can know Your love is sincere When you live in the world Yet without fear Of the day of judgment As it draws near
Love casts out fear And God first loved you Because of God’s love You can love too
Now if you say you love God Whom you’ve not seen But then hate your brother How can this be When love’s a commandment God gave unto thee?
Christ is of God His life He did give In order to show us How we ought to live
The world full of fear Cannot know love When it denies The One from above This is the world That Christ overcame If you believe Him You’re promised the same.
Both water and Spirit And also the blood Testify that Jesus Is man, yet He’s God The Spirit is truth And so cannot lie This is the message That He testifies
These three witnesses They all agree Christ put on flesh Yet is still deity God’s Son is the one Who grants victory
These things I have written To you who believe And know eternal life Is what you receive
Since we’re God’s children He hears our prayers He gives what we need And that shows He cares So if you have a request He wants you to share
If you see a brother Who’s caught in sin Pray that God will grant Victory to him
There is a sin Which leads not to death But sin at its core Is unrighteousness
Those born of God Cannot keep sinning For God who is holy Is the one who is winning And He is the one In whom we’re depending He’s also the one Who gives understanding
Here’s one last thing That I wish to convey It’s by Christ’s death Sin’s washed away
So follow the truth Not that which is false It wasn’t the idols That died on the cross.
