JJ Abrams Says No New Fans [SATIRE]

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a stunning move that shocked fans, big-time producer J.J. Abrams, known for such hits as Lost, Alias, and Star Wars, was reported saying he didn’t want any new fans. “Stop telling people about my movies and please don’t go see my latest film in theaters. If it comes down to it, my company will stop providing entertainment for the masses.”

When asked what prompted such a bold statement, J.J. replied, “I was cool with allowing potential future fans to die before birth and not say anything, but then I realized it’s much more humane and makes more sense to tell people who are already outside the womb to stop seeing and enjoying the products of my labor.”

He later apologized for using the word “labor,” saying it reminds him too much of women giving birth and the magical process babies undergo to change from potential life to actual life upon exiting the womb.

Sexually-Abusive Man Doesn’t Think He Can Handle Being Known as a Rapist and Possible Prison Time

A satirical response to an Onion article*

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying his concerns that the additional obstacles presented by having his secret life exposed would be too much to bear, 24-year-old sexual abuser Rodney Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that he wouldn’t be able to handle being reported for his crime on top of everything else he had going on. “I have several engineering reports and a big physics exam coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about asking for a promotion at work, but being branded a rapist and possibly going to prison are really going to cut into my reputation as an upstanding citizen,” said the university student, who acknowledged that modern DNA testing associated with proving he’d committed such an unspeakable act had made it more difficult to cover up the truth and added that there would likely be even greater challenges being known as a child molester. “This year has been tough in a lot of ways. I had to change majors, and my family wasn’t aware of my sexual activities. My relationship with my stepsister is pretty much consensual. I wish I were responsible enough not to take advantage of a minor, but ending unwanted pregnancies is supposed to protect people like me. I’m really sorry I was found out.” At press time, Dunn had expressed hope that no other accusers would come forward. 

*I’m aware it’s satire, but the underlying view expressed throughout the article is worth a response.