Sexually-Abusive Man Doesn’t Think He Can Handle Being Known as a Rapist and Possible Prison Time

A satirical response to an Onion article*

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying his concerns that the additional obstacles presented by having his secret life exposed would be too much to bear, 24-year-old sexual abuser Rodney Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that he wouldn’t be able to handle being reported for his crime on top of everything else he had going on. “I have several engineering reports and a big physics exam coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about asking for a promotion at work, but being branded a rapist and possibly going to prison are really going to cut into my reputation as an upstanding citizen,” said the university student, who acknowledged that modern DNA testing associated with proving he’d committed such an unspeakable act had made it more difficult to cover up the truth and added that there would likely be even greater challenges being known as a child molester. “This year has been tough in a lot of ways. I had to change majors, and my family wasn’t aware of my sexual activities. My relationship with my stepsister is pretty much consensual. I wish I were responsible enough not to take advantage of a minor, but ending unwanted pregnancies is supposed to protect people like me. I’m really sorry I was found out.” At press time, Dunn had expressed hope that no other accusers would come forward. 

*I’m aware it’s satire, but the underlying view expressed throughout the article is worth a response.

My Year in Review 2016

As another year comes to a close, I thought I’d take a look back and briefly summarize how my life has changed in 2016. 

I started this year by working a night job I’d been at for over five years. I was feeling more and more burnt out as time progressed and in some ways losing touch with reality. But for a few anchor points, I could barely keep days straight, as one bled into the next. Also, due to my awkward sleep and work schedule, I missed out on opportunities for social interaction, which helped perpetuate feelings of isolation. I felt trapped and didn’t know how much longer I could take it.

Things began to change within a few months, as I started looking for work elsewhere. In mid-April I found a different job that seemed a good fit, even though it was a line of work I wasn’t familiar. From my brief interaction with some of the employees while interviewing, they seemed to enjoy what they did. In addition, it was better pay and hours. After accepting the job offer, I soon began to feel a pending sense of freedom. I think I’ve spent the past several months still recovering from the physical and mental damage of having worked nights for so long, but that time shift alone was enough to begin recovery.

After being there less than a month, one of my coworkers tried setting me up with her kids’ former nanny. About a month later (this was June), I was meeting up with a wonderful woman for what would become the first of many dates. By the end of October, we were engaged and are now looking forward to our wedding in April.

What started out as a somewhat bleak year in my life has ended up becoming one of the best. There were high and low points during this year. Some bad decisions and some good decisions were made along the way, but by God’s grace I made it.

Onward to 2017! It’s going to be an interesting year.

Decade of Driving

I’ve been driving for ten years now (January 25, 2006); I got my permit shortly after turning 21 and my license just before turning 23. I used to walk or ride a bike places, both of which come with their own challenges, but learning to drive definitely opened up some doors and brought some sense of freedom. I’ve had a few different jobs that only became possible because of driving, gone on a few road trips in which I did some or all of the driving, including to several states I’d not been to before, and it allowed me to meet people I probably would not have met otherwise. I’ve been able to explore the world a little more as a result, so learning to drive has been worth that much. Additionally, I’ve been able to purchase a vehicle that’s served me for more than half that time.

On the downside, I sometimes get tired of driving to places, especially by myself, and dealing with traffic. (I really don’t like being stuck for extended periods in a small space, such as a driver’s seat, unable to move my body much.) I’ve also had two parking tickets, one speeding ticket, and a non-contact accident (don’t ask), but I guess that’s a pretty good driving record for the length of time I’ve been allowed to drive.

Here’s to ten years of driving and whatever lies down the road ahead… as long as it doesn’t stop my car.

-Edward Antonym

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