Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Total Depravity Doesn’t Believe in Existence of Social Media [Satire]

June 20, 2022 Edward AntonymLeave a comment

Rural KY – After finally getting connected to the Internet for the first time, local resident Bernard Gates posted on a message board thread discussing the evils of man that he does not believe in man’s fallen nature or total depravity. He was asked if he’d ever visited social media sites, such as Twitter or Facebook. He responded he didn’t know what a Twitter or Facebook was, but he was sure they were okay places where people only treated each other with dignity and respect.

When told they were often cesspools showcasing the worst of humanity for all the world to see, he responded that such places couldn’t possibly exist.

Follow-up attempts were made, but Bernard couldn’t be reached for further comment, due to his AOL disc running out of access time.

Donald Trump Set to Win Self-Congratulations Award [SATIRE]

January 21, 2020August 14, 2021 Edward AntonymLeave a comment

Donald Trump showing off his favorite worldly possession.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – As another January rolls around, we are once again bombarded by many awards show and ceremonies. Of course, no award season would be complete without the all-important Self-Congratulations Award (The Ego), a staple of each year’s numerous speeches. Insiders have already hinted that this year’s frontrunner is none other than President Donald Trump, known for his roles in Twitterverse, Twitterverse 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Mr Sharknado Goes to Washington.

Runners up included presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren and representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), who were troubled by the decision. Elizabeth Warren reminded everyone she and fellow presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar never lost an election, quickly backhanding Amy by pointing out Amy hasn’t accomplished quite as much in terms of winning. Meanwhile, AOC told the press her cooking/dancing videos are extremely popular online, and her New Green Deal alerted everyone to the impending danger of farting cows.

When reached for comment about the decision, SCA committee chairman Tom Needlenose told reporters, “Look, there are many, many celebrities– from politicians to movie stars– who do a lot of self-pats on the back. It’s why there are so many awards shows in the first place. But we couldn’t think of anyone who deserves this honor more.”

Upon hearing the news, Trump responded: “I think the judges were completely fair in their assessment. Nobody’s done more to congratulate themselves than I have. I’d like to thank my ego for this accomplishment; it’s a yuge honor.”

Donald Trump Vows to Build Fourth Wall, Make Audience Pay for It

September 13, 2016May 31, 2019 Edward AntonymLeave a comment

HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a recent tour of Universal Studios, Donald Trump told his supporters at a press conference, “It’s a disgrace in there. Every stage I saw has only three walls. I love Hollywood, but that’s no way to run a business. You can’t run a business with missing walls.” Trump was informed that stages have traditionally been made without the extra wall, but they are usually understood as being there by everyone involved.

After hearing that it allows audiences to see what goes on and sometimes interact with the actors, Trump replied that audiences don’t need to know what’s going on. “What happens on stage is nobody else’s business. Actors don’t need audiences. You get an audience in there, and members start sneaking over stage borders. They’re really notorious for stealing actors’ lines and scenes. You can’t trust audiences. When I’m elected president, every stage in Hollywood is gonna have a fourth wall, and you know who’s gonna pay for it? The audience. We’re gonna make theater great again.”

He was informed by a reporter that stages have been designed this way since the ancient Greeks, to which he responded, “If I had been around in ancient Greece, I would’ve built stages with four or five walls. Yeah, five walls. Huge walls! The Chinese got it right with their Great Wall. No wonder Greece was conquered by the Russians.”

As Donald Trump finished his press conference, many in the crowd could be heard chanting, “Make theater great again.”

Donald Trump later denied ever having heard of Universal Studios.

Shameless Plug

January 27, 2016 Edward AntonymLeave a comment

I wanted to let anyone who might be interested in going beyond this blog and learning a little more about what else I do, there are a few other places where I share my work online.

Tumblr: If you’ve read enough of my posts or know me in real life, you might know I like linguistic-related stuff, such as word play and puns. I also do some photo editing and have put together some visual gags that come to mind or other things I find. I add stuff on an irregular basis.

Twitter: Not everything that comes to my mind is worth a blog-length post, but some of it is still worth sharing (or maybe I just post thoughts I shouldn’t share). It’s probably mostly one-liners, but they’re still my thoughts. Also, I wouldn’t say I’m a huge fan of Twitter, but it serves its purpose.

YouTube: One of my hobbies is editing videos, and I do post some of my videos here. I had wanted to pursue video editing as a possible career path, and I even have a faux company named “3 Teams Media.” But I’m not sure if that’s going to pan out (no pun intended), as I haven’t devoted a lot of time to it. However, I still do upload some stuff on occasion.

Facebook: This isn’t my personal account (though I do have one of those); rather, it is my 3 Teams Media page, which I use to upload publicly-accessible images before I put them on my Tumblr site. I probably should link more YouTube videos there, since that was the original intent of the page, but I never spent time trying to figure out how everything is integrated. So it’s mostly just images.

Anyway if you’re interested in other aspects of my creativity or just want to see what else I do besides write, feel free to visit any of those links and check out what you see.

-Edward Antonym