Donald Trump Set to Win Self-Congratulations Award [SATIRE]

Donald Trump showing off his favorite worldly possession.

Hollywood, CA – As another January rolls around, we are once again bombarded by many awards show and ceremonies. Of course, no award season would be complete without the all-important Self-Congratulations Award (The Ego), a staple of each year’s numerous speeches. Insiders have already hinted that this year’s frontrunner is none other than President Donald Trump, known for his roles in Twitterverse, Twitterverse 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Mr Sharknado Goes to Washington.

Runners up included presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren and representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), who were troubled by the decision. Elizabeth Warren reminded everyone she and fellow presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar never lost an election, quickly backhanding Amy by pointing out Amy hasn’t accomplished quite as much in terms of winning. Meanwhile, AOC told the press her cooking/dancing videos are extremely popular online, and her New Green Deal alerted everyone to the impending danger of farting cows.

When reached for comment about the decision, SCA committee chairman Tom Needlenose told reporters, “Look, there are many, many celebrities– from politicians to movie stars– who do a lot of self-pats on the back. It’s why there are so many awards shows in the first place. But we couldn’t think of anyone who deserves this honor more.”

Upon hearing the news, Trump responded: “I think the judges were completely fair in their assessment. Nobody’s done more to congratulate themselves than I have. I’d like to thank my ego for this accomplishment; it’s a yuge honor.”

JJ Abrams Says No New Fans [SATIRE]

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a stunning move that shocked fans, big-time producer J.J. Abrams, known for such hits as Lost, Alias, and Star Wars, was reported saying he didn’t want any new fans. “Stop telling people about my movies and please don’t go see my latest film in theaters. If it comes down to it, my company will stop providing entertainment for the masses.”

When asked what prompted such a bold statement, J.J. replied, “I was cool with allowing potential future fans to die before birth and not say anything, but then I realized it’s much more humane and makes more sense to tell people who are already outside the womb to stop seeing and enjoying the products of my labor.”

He later apologized for using the word “labor,” saying it reminds him too much of women giving birth and the magical process babies undergo to change from potential life to actual life upon exiting the womb.

Tasty Pie

(Parody #2 of “Testify” by NEEDTOBREATHE)

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Verse 1]
With ice cream, it’s pie ala mode
Oh, do I want a scoop or two?
Wait just a sec. I could use a spoon
Oh, here’s just what I’m going to do
Eat it before it gets cold.

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Verse 2]
Bite after bite, I start to get full
Oh, I’ll probably start to regret
Eating it before it gets cold.

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Bridge]
Start to regret it, scarfing that pie down
Feel kinda achy, tummy’s making sounds
I still can taste it, feel like passing out
Feels like I’m dying, lying on the ground

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Outro]
Gonna eat a tasty pie
(Open my mouth real wide)
Gonna eat a tasty pie
(Open my mouth real wide)
Open my mouth, open my mouth real wide
Gonna eat a tasty pie
Open my mouth, open my mouth real wide
Barfed up a tasty pie

Festive Tie

(Parody #1 of “Testify” by NEEDTOBREATHE)

[Chorus]
Where is my shirt? Where are my socks?
Wanna get my outfit right
Look in the closet and see what I can find
Here are some jeans, here is a glove
Feels like I’m wasting time
Look in the closet and gotta wear my festive tie

[Verse 1]
It’s taking a while. I found my shoes.
Oh, here’s a woolen sweater too
Where are my pants? I need to leave soon
Oh, I am running late for sure
Where is my coat? I don’t know.

[Chorus]
Where is my shirt? Where are my socks
Wanna get my outfit right
Look in the closet and see what I can find
Here are some jeans, here is a glove
Feels like I’m wasting time
Look in the closet and gotta wear my festive tie

[Verse 2]
Day after day, I search through my clothes
Oh, I found a missing belt
Where is my coat? I don’t know.

[Chorus]
Where is my shirt? Where are my socks
Wanna get my outfit right
Look in the closet and see what I can find
Here are some jeans, here is a glove
Feels like I’m wasting time
Look in the closet and gotta wear my festive tie

[Bridge]
Missing the party, looking all around
I’m done pretending. Can it be found?
I think I misplaced it
There’s no way to know
Here in this moment, It cannot be found

[Chorus 2]
Where is my shirt? Where are my socks
Wanna get my outfit right
Look in the closet and see what I can find
Here are some jeans, here is a glove
Feels like I’m wasting time
Look in the closet and gotta wear my festive tie
Here are some jeans, here is a glove
Feels like I’m wasting time
Looked in the closet and
Couldn’t find my festive tie

[Outro]
Couldn’t find my festive tie.
(Couldn’t find my)
Couldn’t find my festive tie.
(Couldn’t find my)
Couldn’t find my, couldn’t find my festive tie.
Feels like I’m wasting time
Couldn’t find my, couldn’t find my festive tie.
Wasted so much time

Donald Trump Vows to Build Fourth Wall, Make Audience Pay for It

donald_trump

HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a recent tour of Universal Studios, Donald Trump told his supporters at a press conference, “It’s a disgrace in there. Every stage I saw has only three walls. I love Hollywood, but that’s no way to run a business. You can’t run a business with missing walls.” Trump was informed that stages have traditionally been made without the extra wall, but they are usually understood as being there by everyone involved.

After hearing that it allows audiences to see what goes on and sometimes interact with the actors, Trump replied that audiences don’t need to know what’s going on. “What happens on stage is nobody else’s business. Actors don’t need audiences. You get an audience in there, and members start sneaking over stage borders. They’re really notorious for stealing actors’ lines and scenes. You can’t trust audiences. When I’m elected president, every stage in Hollywood is gonna have a fourth wall, and you know who’s gonna pay for it? The audience. We’re gonna make theater great again.”

He was informed by a reporter that stages have been designed this way since the ancient Greeks, to which he responded, “If I had been around in ancient Greece, I would’ve built stages with four or five walls. Yeah, five walls. Huge walls! The Chinese got it right with their Great Wall. No wonder Greece was conquered by the Russians.”

As Donald Trump finished his press conference, many in the crowd could be heard chanting, “Make theater great again.”

Donald Trump later denied ever having heard of Universal Studios.

Shameless Plug

I wanted to let anyone who might be interested in going beyond this blog and learning a little more about what else I do, there are a few other places where I share my work online.

Tumblr: If you’ve read enough of my posts or know me in real life, you might know I like linguistic-related stuff, such as word play and puns. I also do some photo editing and have put together some visual gags that come to mind or other things I find. I add stuff on an irregular basis.

Twitter: Not everything that comes to my mind is worth a blog-length post, but some of it is still worth sharing (or maybe I just post thoughts I shouldn’t share). It’s probably mostly one-liners, but they’re still my thoughts. Also, I wouldn’t say I’m a huge fan of Twitter, but it serves its purpose.

YouTube: One of my hobbies is editing videos, and I do post some of my videos here. I had wanted to pursue video editing as a possible career path, and I even have a faux company named “3 Teams Media.” But I’m not sure if that’s going to pan out (no pun intended), as I haven’t devoted a lot of time to it. However, I still do upload some stuff on occasion.

Facebook: This isn’t my personal account (though I do have one of those); rather, it is my 3 Teams Media page, which I use to upload publicly-accessible images before I put them on my Tumblr site. I probably should link more YouTube videos there, since that was the original intent of the page, but I never spent time trying to figure out how everything is integrated. So it’s mostly just images.

Anyway if you’re interested in other aspects of my creativity or just want to see what else I do besides write, feel free to visit any of those links and check out what you see.

-Edward Antonym

Watch My Show

(To the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, YouTube is rather frightening,
Watch people get hit by lightning,
Better upload my video
Watch my show! Watch my show! Watch my show!

There are people who do dumb things,
Even people who cannot sing.
If you want one that’s full of win
Think again! Think again! Think again!

There’s that video you can’t find.
Was that ninja just owned by a mime?
And if you’ve really lost your mind.
You’ll be here all of the time.

Brain cells are quickly fleeing
After all the stuff you’re seeing
If you’ve got nothing else to do,
Watch YouTube! Watch YouTube! Watch YouTube!