Category: satire

The Politician Who Cried Threat to Democracy (Fable/Satire)

Edward AntonymLeave a comment
Vote yes or no

Candidate X was popular with his constituents. He had ideas many of them approved of and promised to implement some of those ideas if elected. He was soon voted into office and became Leader X.

One day, Interested Businessman came up to Leader X and offered special support if he could sway constituents to vote on an idea that would help the town. Leader X was unsure of the idea, but he was always happy to have special support.

“They will never go for it,” Leader X reasoned, “unless…”

So he called a meeting and announced the idea, and like their leader, they were not sure about it either.

“It will help our town,” he calmly explained, adding “not voting for this idea is a threat to democracy.”

“Oh,” thought the constituents, “we like democracy.” So they agreed to the idea.

With the new idea in place, Leader X got his special support, but Businessman’s idea soon started causing some problems for the town. The townspeople suspected that Businessman’s business was the source of the problems, so they went to Leader X and asked him to look into it. Leader X agreed.

However, rather than addressing the issue, Interested Businessman offered a separate idea to Leader X. It was not a solution, but it would distract from the original issue. However, this too would require a vote and grant Leader X more authority. Leader X wanted people to know he was working to solve the problem, so he brought this new idea to the people.

“Failure to vote in agreement is a threat to democracy,” he reminded them.

So a majority approved of this new idea.

Soon enough, more problems began to develop, and people began to ask if they should’ve trusted Leader X. His judgment seemed to be questionable at best, detrimental at worst. However, others tried to reassure them that Leader X was not responsible for the problems, as he had looked for solutions. Some of them even noted that he “loves democracy, which is very important to our town.”

Leader X started to hear of murmurs and calls for his resignation. In his worry, he approached Interested Businessman for new ideas. Interested Businessman offered a third idea but added special support would be pulled if Leader X did not agree. Leader X didn’t want to lose his special support, so he went to the town and pitched the idea.

“We can’t do that,” Citizen L replied. “It’s not right and doesn’t solve the problem.” Many of the constituents agreed.

Taken aback by this response, Leader X quickly stated that following Citizen L’s advice was a threat to democracy. But they had heard it twice before, and things had only gotten worse. Undeterred by the push back, Leader X declared that Citizen L was an enemy of democracy and, using his newfound authority, had Citizen L arrested. Everyone else fell silent at this unexpected turn of events, for they had trusted Leader X’s bold stance for democracy.

Leader X remained in power for many years, continuing to have special support from Interested Businessman. Other business leaders had even thrown their own special support behind him. Meanwhile, the town eventually fell into disrepair. But people didn’t dare speak against Leader X or his ideas, for any opposition or disagreement was deemed a threat to democracy and was punished with indefinite imprisonment.

And so, the citizens learned too late the real threat to democracy.

Man Who Doesn’t Believe in Total Depravity Doesn’t Believe in Existence of Social Media [Satire]

Edward AntonymLeave a comment

Rural KY – After finally getting connected to the Internet for the first time, local resident Bernard Gates posted on a message board thread discussing the evils of man that he does not believe in man’s fallen nature or total depravity. He was asked if he’d ever visited social media sites, such as Twitter or Facebook. He responded he didn’t know what a Twitter or Facebook was, but he was sure they were okay places where people only treated each other with dignity and respect.

When told they were often cesspools showcasing the worst of humanity for all the world to see, he responded that such places couldn’t possibly exist.

Follow-up attempts were made, but Bernard couldn’t be reached for further comment, due to his AOL disc running out of access time.

Local Resident Identifies as Adverb [SATIRE]

Edward AntonymLeave a comment

BISBEE, AZ -Local resident Arno Yesman made news when he came out as a porgskal and openly declared he now identifies as his own adverb and any other parts of speech that would not him put into a grammatical box or allow for any sort of conversation without him feeling personally offended.

“Claiming your own pronoun has gone too mainstream; I’m trying to stay ahead of the curve by identifying as my own adverb. Depending on my mood and the day of the week, I could even identify as my own preposition. People shouldn’t assume my part of speech and try to start conversations with me.”

When asked for clarification by a reporter, Arno explained, “Today I was feeling very snoghspy, but sometimes I woppsikally jazz it up. Wait, is today Bjoursdey? The sknoooban festival starts soon.”

When told he just said a lot of nothing, Arno called for cancelling the reporter for being close minded.

Donald Trump Set to Win Self-Congratulations Award [SATIRE]

Edward AntonymLeave a comment
Donald Trump showing off his favorite worldly possession.

HOLLYWOOD, CA – As another January rolls around, we are once again bombarded by many awards show and ceremonies. Of course, no award season would be complete without the all-important Self-Congratulations Award (The Ego), a staple of each year’s numerous speeches. Insiders have already hinted that this year’s frontrunner is none other than President Donald Trump, known for his roles in Twitterverse, Twitterverse 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Mr Sharknado Goes to Washington.

Runners up included presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren and representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), who were troubled by the decision. Elizabeth Warren reminded everyone she and fellow presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar never lost an election, quickly backhanding Amy by pointing out Amy hasn’t accomplished quite as much in terms of winning. Meanwhile, AOC told the press her cooking/dancing videos are extremely popular online, and her New Green Deal alerted everyone to the impending danger of farting cows.

When reached for comment about the decision, SCA committee chairman Tom Needlenose told reporters, “Look, there are many, many celebrities– from politicians to movie stars– who do a lot of self-pats on the back. It’s why there are so many awards shows in the first place. But we couldn’t think of anyone who deserves this honor more.”

Upon hearing the news, Trump responded: “I think the judges were completely fair in their assessment. Nobody’s done more to congratulate themselves than I have. I’d like to thank my ego for this accomplishment; it’s a yuge honor.”

JJ Abrams Says No New Fans [SATIRE]

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HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a stunning move that shocked fans, big-time producer J.J. Abrams, known for such hits as Lost, Alias, and Star Wars, was reported saying he didn’t want any new fans. “Stop telling people about my movies and please don’t go see my latest film in theaters. If it comes down to it, my company will stop providing entertainment for the masses.”

When asked what prompted such a bold statement, J.J. replied, “I was cool with allowing potential future fans to die before birth and not say anything, but then I realized it’s much more humane and makes more sense to tell people who are already outside the womb to stop seeing and enjoying the products of my labor.”

He later apologized for using the word “labor,” saying it reminds him too much of women giving birth and the magical process babies undergo to change from potential life to actual life upon exiting the womb.

Sexually-Abusive Man Doesn’t Think He Can Handle Being Known as a Rapist and Possible Prison Time [SATIRE]

Edward AntonymLeave a comment

A satirical response to an Onion
article*

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying his concerns that the additional obstacles presented by having his secret life exposed would be too much to bear, 24-year-old sexual abuser Rodney Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that he wouldn’t be able to handle being reported for his crime on top of everything else he had going on. “I have several engineering reports and a big physics exam coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about asking for a promotion at work, but being branded a rapist and possibly going to prison are really going to cut into my reputation as an upstanding citizen,” said the university student, who acknowledged that modern DNA testing associated with proving he’d committed such an unspeakable act had made it more difficult to cover up the truth and added that there would likely be even greater challenges being known as a child molester. “This year has been tough in a lot of ways. I had to change majors, and my family wasn’t aware of my sexual activities. My relationship with my stepsister is pretty much consensual. I wish I were responsible enough not to take advantage of a minor, but ending unwanted pregnancies is supposed to protect people like me. I’m really sorry I was found out.” At press time, Dunn had expressed hope that no other accusers would come forward. 

*I’m aware it’s satire, but the underlying view expressed throughout the article is worth a response.

Donald Trump Vows to Build Fourth Wall, Make Audience Pay for It

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donald_trump

HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a recent tour of Universal Studios, Donald Trump told his supporters at a press conference, “It’s a disgrace in there. Every stage I saw has only three walls. I love Hollywood, but that’s no way to run a business. You can’t run a business with missing walls.” Trump was informed that stages have traditionally been made without the extra wall, but they are usually understood as being there by everyone involved.

After hearing that it allows audiences to see what goes on and sometimes interact with the actors, Trump replied that audiences don’t need to know what’s going on. “What happens on stage is nobody else’s business. Actors don’t need audiences. You get an audience in there, and members start sneaking over stage borders. They’re really notorious for stealing actors’ lines and scenes. You can’t trust audiences. When I’m elected president, every stage in Hollywood is gonna have a fourth wall, and you know who’s gonna pay for it? The audience. We’re gonna make theater great again.”

He was informed by a reporter that stages have been designed this way since the ancient Greeks, to which he responded, “If I had been around in ancient Greece, I would’ve built stages with four or five walls. Yeah, five walls. Huge walls! The Chinese got it right with their Great Wall. No wonder Greece was conquered by the Russians.”

As Donald Trump finished his press conference, many in the crowd could be heard chanting, “Make theater great again.”

Donald Trump later denied ever having heard of Universal Studios.