Rural KY – After finally getting connected to the Internet for the first time, local resident Bernard Gates posted on a message board thread discussing the evils of man that he does not believe in man’s fallen nature or total depravity. He was asked if he’d ever visited social media sites, such as Twitter or Facebook. He responded he didn’t know what a Twitter or Facebook was, but he was sure they were okay places where people only treated each other with dignity and respect.
When told they were often cesspools showcasing the worst of humanity for all the world to see, he responded that such places couldn’t possibly exist.
Follow-up attempts were made, but Bernard couldn’t be reached for further comment, due to his AOL disc running out of access time.
BISBEE, AZ -Local resident Arno Yesman made news when he came out as a porgskal and openly declared he now identifies as his own adverb and any other parts of speech that would not him put into a grammatical box or allow for any sort of conversation without him feeling personally offended.
“Claiming your own pronoun has gone too mainstream; I’m trying to stay ahead of the curve by identifying as my own adverb. Depending on my mood and the day of the week, I could even identify as my own preposition. People shouldn’t assume my part of speech and try to start conversations with me.”
When asked for clarification by a reporter, Arno explained, “Today I was feeling very snoghspy, but sometimes I woppsikally jazz it up. Wait, is today Bjoursdey? The sknoooban festival starts soon.”
When told he just said a lot of nothing, Arno called for cancelling the reporter for being close minded.
HOLLYWOOD, CA – As another January rolls around, we are once again bombarded by many awards show and ceremonies. Of course, no award season would be complete without the all-important Self-Congratulations Award (The Ego), a staple of each year’s numerous speeches. Insiders have already hinted that this year’s frontrunner is none other than President Donald Trump, known for his roles in Twitterverse, Twitterverse 2: Electric Boogaloo, and Mr Sharknado Goes to Washington.
Runners up included presidential hopeful Elizabeth Warren and representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez (AOC), who were troubled by the decision. Elizabeth Warren reminded everyone she and fellow presidential candidate Amy Klobuchar never lost an election, quickly backhanding Amy by pointing out Amy hasn’t accomplished quite as much in terms of winning. Meanwhile, AOC told the press her cooking/dancing videos are extremely popular online, and her New Green Deal alerted everyone to the impending danger of farting cows.
When reached for comment about the decision, SCA committee chairman Tom Needlenose told reporters, “Look, there are many, many celebrities– from politicians to movie stars– who do a lot of self-pats on the back. It’s why there are so many awards shows in the first place. But we couldn’t think of anyone who deserves this honor more.”
Upon hearing the news, Trump responded: “I think the judges were completely fair in their assessment. Nobody’s done more to congratulate themselves than I have. I’d like to thank my ego for this accomplishment; it’s a yuge honor.”
HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a stunning move that shocked fans, big-time producer J.J. Abrams, known for such hits as Lost, Alias, and Star Wars, was reported saying he didn’t want any new fans. “Stop telling people about my movies and please don’t go see my latest film in theaters. If it comes down to it, my company will stop providing entertainment for the masses.”
When asked what prompted such a bold statement, J.J. replied, “I was cool with allowing potential future fans to die before birth and not say anything, but then I realized it’s much more humane and makes more sense to tell people who are already outside the womb to stop seeing and enjoying the products of my labor.”
He later apologized for using the word “labor,” saying it reminds him too much of women giving birth and the magical process babies undergo to change from potential life to actual life upon exiting the womb.
AL—Conveying his concerns that the additional obstacles presented by having his
secret life exposed would be too much to bear, 24-year-old sexual abuser Rodney
Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that he wouldn’t be able to handle being
reported for his crime on top of everything else he had going on. “I have
several engineering reports and a big physics exam coming up in the next few
weeks, and I had even been thinking about asking for a promotion at work, but
being branded a rapist and possibly going to prison are really going to cut
into my reputation as an upstanding citizen,” said the university student, who
acknowledged that modern DNA testing associated with proving he’d committed
such an unspeakable act had made it more difficult to cover up the truth and
added that there would likely be even greater challenges being known as a child
molester. “This year has been tough in a lot of ways. I had to change majors,
and my family wasn’t aware of my sexual activities. My relationship with my
stepsister is pretty much consensual. I wish I were responsible enough not to
take advantage of a minor, but ending unwanted pregnancies is supposed to
protect people like me. I’m really sorry I was found out.” At press time, Dunn
had expressed hope that no other accusers would come forward.
*I’m aware it’s satire, but the underlying view expressed throughout the article is worth a response.
HOLLYWOOD, CA – After a recent tour of Universal Studios, Donald Trump told his supporters at a press conference, “It’s a disgrace in there. Every stage I saw has only three walls. I love Hollywood, but that’s no way to run a business. You can’t run a business with missing walls.” Trump was informed that stages have traditionally been made without the extra wall, but they are usually understood as being there by everyone involved.
After hearing that it allows audiences to see what goes on and sometimes interact with the actors, Trump replied that audiences don’t need to know what’s going on. “What happens on stage is nobody else’s business. Actors don’t need audiences. You get an audience in there, and members start sneaking over stage borders. They’re really notorious for stealing actors’ lines and scenes. You can’t trust audiences. When I’m elected president, every stage in Hollywood is gonna have a fourth wall, and you know who’s gonna pay for it? The audience. We’re gonna make theater great again.”
He was informed by a reporter that stages have been designed this way since the ancient Greeks, to which he responded, “If I had been around in ancient Greece, I would’ve built stages with four or five walls. Yeah, five walls. Huge walls! The Chinese got it right with their Great Wall. No wonder Greece was conquered by the Russians.”
As Donald Trump finished his press conference, many in the crowd could be heard chanting, “Make theater great again.”
Donald Trump later denied ever having heard of Universal Studios.