JJ Abrams Says No New Fans [SATIRE]

HOLLYWOOD, CA – In a stunning move that shocked fans, big-time producer J.J. Abrams, known for such hits as Lost, Alias, and Star Wars, was reported saying he didn’t want any new fans. “Stop telling people about my movies and please don’t go see my latest film in theaters. If it comes down to it, my company will stop providing entertainment for the masses.”

When asked what prompted such a bold statement, J.J. replied, “I was cool with allowing potential future fans to die before birth and not say anything, but then I realized it’s much more humane and makes more sense to tell people who are already outside the womb to stop seeing and enjoying the products of my labor.”

He later apologized for using the word “labor,” saying it reminds him too much of women giving birth and the magical process babies undergo to change from potential life to actual life upon exiting the womb.

Sexually-Abusive Man Doesn’t Think He Can Handle Being Known as a Rapist and Possible Prison Time

A satirical response to an Onion article*

MONTGOMERY, AL—Conveying his concerns that the additional obstacles presented by having his secret life exposed would be too much to bear, 24-year-old sexual abuser Rodney Dunn was reportedly worried Wednesday that he wouldn’t be able to handle being reported for his crime on top of everything else he had going on. “I have several engineering reports and a big physics exam coming up in the next few weeks, and I had even been thinking about asking for a promotion at work, but being branded a rapist and possibly going to prison are really going to cut into my reputation as an upstanding citizen,” said the university student, who acknowledged that modern DNA testing associated with proving he’d committed such an unspeakable act had made it more difficult to cover up the truth and added that there would likely be even greater challenges being known as a child molester. “This year has been tough in a lot of ways. I had to change majors, and my family wasn’t aware of my sexual activities. My relationship with my stepsister is pretty much consensual. I wish I were responsible enough not to take advantage of a minor, but ending unwanted pregnancies is supposed to protect people like me. I’m really sorry I was found out.” At press time, Dunn had expressed hope that no other accusers would come forward. 

*I’m aware it’s satire, but the underlying view expressed throughout the article is worth a response.

Behold, Resurrection!

Behold the Lamb!”
The words of John,
As he sees a dove descend

Look at Him
Who takes away sin,
He is the One you seek

Of Him I am unworthy
To loosen His sandal.
He is the promised Messiah.”

Offerings He makes
No sin He partakes
He is the Holy One

Death awaits
This is the fate
He will bear our sins


Christ the Savior
The unique God-Man
He must taste of death

Redemption’s cost
To save the lost
A price that must be paid

On the tree
His hands and feet
Are nailed to hold Him there

Sacrificed for sin
The spotless Lamb
Now bares scars on Him

Salvation secured
“It is finished!”
He breathes His last


Gone His spirit
His body remains
It is laid to rest

Rich man’s tomb
A stone is rolled.
Is this how it ends?

And those who followed
Now filled with grief
For the leader they have lost

Victory is taken
Their hearts are breakin’.
How could this have happened?

Emmanuel! God with us?
But where is He now?
Has He abandoned His people?


Secured by those in power,
Guards placed outside the tomb,
The body cannot be moved.

Three days later,”
His enemies remember,
“He said He’d rise again.”

Ointment and spices
Have been prepared
By those who were His friends

No one expects
Most don’t understand
The words they’d heard Him speak

Entombed the Messiah
Who gave up His life
Death has seized the day


Righteous for the unrighteous
Innocent for the guilty
The price of holiness’ demand

Israel’s Messiah
Resurrection and Life
He lies inside the grave

Sunday morning
Without warning
The ground begins to shake!

Empty the tomb
Christ has overcome
Death’s score is minus one

No more shall death
Hold Him bound
He arose victoriously


Behold, BLOOD shed
Behold, CROSS crucified
Behold, GRAVE buried
Behold, STONE secured
Behold, RISEN Savior

Behold, Resurrection!

behold_resurrection

Captain Marvel Reminds Us the MCU Is Still a Thing

Captain Marvel is an okay entry into the Marvel Cinematic Universe. It does a good job of reminding us it is part of this universe more than it tells us about Captain Marvel.

BEWARE! SPOILERS!

Before the movie released, people were complaining about the actress. The problem with Captain Marvel has less to do with acting/actress and more to do with overall story/plot. It feels like an obvious piece of the larger MCU more than a standalone movie. It is a bridge between Avengers 3 & 4, the character having been “introduced” in 3’s credit scene, and it contains more than enough components that are best understood if you’ve seen enough of the 20 other films. (I haven’t seen them all.) While it’s building this connection to the rest of the universe, not a whole lot more is known about the character by the end of the movie than at/near the beginning.

I get these movies are all part of one universe, but a self-contained story on its characters is doable (see: Black Panther, Ant-Man, or Guardians of the Galaxy), especially if it’s an origin story. However, Captain Marvel doesn’t spend enough time explaining/developing certain plot points without moving on, but it repeatedly lets the viewer know it’s part of the MCU, serving as a reminder all these movies are somehow connected. This includes, but is not limited to, having a major character from a “future” movie playing a minimal roles in this movie (Ronan) and revealing Cap’s powers originated from the Tesseract (because why not). We even see how Nick Fury loses his eye (“Cat Scratch Fever”? Seriously? Why?) and comes up with the name for Avengers Initiative… bits that are minor to the movie and maybe minor to the overall MCU. Seriously, if we never found out exactly how he lost/injured his eye or decided on Avengers Initiative, there would be no impact on the bigger picture. Maybe the only thing that had significance was how he got the pager, since it was the key to the lock.

On the other hand, there are certain elements of this movie left unexplained or that felt unnecessary. How/why did Carol lose her memory after she gets her powers? (Other than we get to learn as she learns through chopped memory sequences, making her origin story Bourne Identity meets Luke Cage)*. Why did Dr. Lawson/Mar-Vell change sides? The first half of the movie spends so much time focused on finding her to advance the plot, but then we learn she’s not really fighting with the Kree. Or is she? Was she fighting against her people the whole time? Did she learn something that made her switch sides?  All we get is “here’s a disc so you’ll stop attacking us” and blind acceptance to what the Skrull leader says. This could’ve been resolved by the hidden Skrull revealing in a few lines why she hadn’t been working with the Kree, but by then it’s forgotten.

I mentioned the cat, which was basically a plot device, showing up inexplicably in multiple scenes until the one scene it’s revealed the cat is not really a cat. Instead it’s really a tentacle-mouthed creature that can eat the Tesseract, the MCU MacGuffin that can’t be touched by human hands. (For the uninitiated like me, Google explains this “cat” is something called a flerken… I think it’s Kree/Skrull for “plot device.”) I suspected early on it wasn’t just a cat, since it did keep showing up, so the reveal was bizarre but anticlimactic, as if they just needed to wrap up the story and relocate the Tesseract for “future” MCU purposes. (End credit scene shows it coughed up, conveniently tying up another loose end.) Then the cat suddenly scratches Nick Fury, just so we can have an answer to how he got his eye messed up… was it surgically removed after this? It was just a scratch, right? Not a clawing out? Why did it even turn on him?

Don’t get me wrong. I didn’t hate this movie, but there was nothing that particularly stood out to make this movie its own story apart from being a part of the MCU. Since it is less of a straightforward narrative and more of choppily digging through memories (Carol’s and the MCU’s), it’s difficult to get a sense of who the character is or why I should care. As someone who knows little about the character, I would’ve liked to learn something about her that makes her who she is and not just another cog in the machine. It seemed more of a CliffsNotes version of Captain Marvel’s power (and maybe Nick Fury) to set up the next MCU domino than much of anything else. I didn’t know what to expect from the movie going in (other than 90s nostalgia from the trailers). I mainly went to see it because of its place between the Avengers 3 & 4, but I thought this would tell me something about the character. However, I feel as if I could probably watch the next installment without having watched this one and not have missed anything important. I guess we’ll see if there was any payoff when Avengers 4 rolls out next month.

*Forgetful character trying to remember. Flashback reveals overdose of power source leading to invulnerability.

Image result for captain marvel mcu

Behold, A Baby!

Behold the Messenger!


B
arren the womb

And advanced in years

A couple is without child


E
lizabeth will give birth

To him who first

Would come before the Christ


H
oly shall he be

From birth, all his days

Dedicated to the Lord


O
h, but Zacharias

Does not believe

And is silenced ’til the birth


L
oosened are his lips

When he makes known

John will be the baby’s name


D
umbfounded are all

Who hear of these things

And wonder what this child will become

 

Behold the Message!


B
ethlehem Ephrathah

So little among the towns

A ruler from you shall come forth


E
mmanuel! God with us!

God in the flesh

He shall walk among us


H
is goings from long ago

Eternity is His home

Yet He steps into time


O
come, O come

For Israel longs to see

Her promised Messiah


L
ong ago were recorded

The words of the prophet:

The virgin shall bear a child


D
ressed in humility

Oh Light of Eternity

Birthed that You might save

 

Behold the Messiah!


B
irth foretold

Prophecies of old

Speak of His unique arrival


E
ternity meets time

Wrapped so sublime

In the womb of Mary


H
ow can this be?

For you see,

She never touched a man.


O
vershadowed by

The Spirit of the Most High

He shall be called the Son of God


L
ong-awaited Savior

Born to set His people free

Jesus shall be His name


D
eliverance shall He bring

The sins of many shall He bear

Jew and Gentile alike

 

Behold, Emmanuel!

 

Collaboration Celebration

This was written in collaboration with 3 other people, inspired by the following songs:

“SONG OF MY HEART” – Dave and Nicole Binion

“WHO YOU SAY I AM” – Hillsong

I once was a slave

Bound by my sin

Fighting a battle

I never could win

 

I’m no longer a slave

But a child

Who’s been given

Dangerous and wild

Freedom to pursue

The Messianic King

 

Who’s sealed me

With His Spirit

Like a signet

On His ring

 

You rescuing King

You charge in

Like the cavalry

Ransom in Your hands

You save me

Out of slavery

Into Your glorious life

Into Your inheritance

Sealed as Your own

 

A child of the King

Picked by the One

Who is victorious

When all’s said and done

 

It true I once was a slave

Bound by my sin

Fighting a battle

I never could win

 

But Your victory is mine

And I am yours

And forever we’ll dwell

On eternity’s shores

Tasty Pie

(Parody #2 of “Testify” by NEEDTOBREATHE)

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Verse 1]
With ice cream, it’s pie ala mode
Oh, do I want a scoop or two?
Wait just a sec. I could use a spoon
Oh, here’s just what I’m going to do
Eat it before it gets cold.

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Verse 2]
Bite after bite, I start to get full
Oh, I’ll probably start to regret
Eating it before it gets cold.

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Bridge]
Start to regret it, scarfing that pie down
Feel kinda achy, tummy’s making sounds
I still can taste it, feel like passing out
Feels like I’m dying, lying on the ground

[Chorus]
Hand me a plate, hand me a fork
What’s for dessert tonight?
Here at the table, I’m gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie
Give me a piece, it’s called a slice
Open my mouth real wide
Sit at the table and gonna eat a tasty pie

[Outro]
Gonna eat a tasty pie
(Open my mouth real wide)
Gonna eat a tasty pie
(Open my mouth real wide)
Open my mouth, open my mouth real wide
Gonna eat a tasty pie
Open my mouth, open my mouth real wide
Barfed up a tasty pie