Watch My Show

(To the tune of “Let It Snow”)

Oh, YouTube is rather frightening,
Watch people get hit by lightning,
Better upload my video
Watch my show! Watch my show! Watch my show!

There are people who do dumb things,
Even people who cannot sing.
If you want one that’s full of win
Think again! Think again! Think again!

There’s that video you can’t find.
Was that ninja just owned by a mime?
And if you’ve really lost your mind.
You’ll be here all of the time.

Brain cells are quickly fleeing
After all the stuff you’re seeing
If you’ve got nothing else to do,
Watch YouTube! Watch YouTube! Watch YouTube!

“O Christmas Tree” Rewrite

This was one of my earliest rewrites; although, I didn’t actually write it down back then. Basically this is one of the earliest parody attempts I remember doing, but I still remember the words.

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree,
How ever brown your branches.

We bought you in the early fall.
We didn’t water you at all.

O Christmas tree,
O Christmas tree,
Why did you have to die?

‘Twas the Rewrite Before Christmas

Video: Po-Ed-ic Justice: ‘Twas the Night Before Christmas

Original Poem “A Visit from St. Nicholas” by Clement Clarke Moore

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse;
Except there was someone wrapping last-minute gifts
Trying to be silent but trying to be swift.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care,
In hopes that St. Nicholas soon would be there;
They’d been on our feet and smelled really gross
First thing he’d notice is the smell of our toes.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of sugar-plums danced in their heads;
Am I sure about that? How do I know?
Since this is my story, it’s because I say so.

And mamma in her ‘kerchief, and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
It’s called “hibernation.” That’s what we do there
Bet you didn’t know this poem’s about bears

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
I sprang from the bed to see what was the matter.
I opened my laptop, went to Facebook
Posted “Someone outside, I’m gonna take a look.”

Away to the window I flew like a flash,
Tore open the shutters and threw up the sash.
I had grabbed my shotgun from out of the den
If in for fight, that person wouldn’t win

The moon on the breast of the new-fallen snow
Gave the lustre of mid-day to objects below,
To say the least, it was rather bright,
Even though it was the middle of the night.

When, what to my wondering eyes should appear,
But a miniature sleigh, and eight tiny reindeer,
I recognized them at once, knew them by sight
But photos online hadn’t gotten them quite right

With a little old driver, so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment it must be St. Nick.
But what if a thief or a sleigh jacker
What if this person was a late night attacker?

More rapid than eagles his coursers they came,
And he whistled, and shouted, and called them by name;
The middle of the night, didn’t anyone tell him
There’s no need for all of that yellin’.

“Now, DASHER! now, DANCER! now, PRANCER and VIXEN!
On, COMET! on CUPID! on, DONDER and BLITZEN!
Shouting out names for the neighbors to hear
Waking them up seemed the least of his fears

To the top of the porch! to the top of the wall!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away all!”
But was he coming or going, I wasn’t quite sure.
Why say “away” when he really meant towards?

As dry leaves that before the wild hurricane fly,
When they meet with an obstacle, mount to the sky,
Those are some visuals for you to imagine
Now for no reason, just picture a dragon.

So up to the house-top the coursers they flew,
With the sleigh full of toys, and St. Nicholas too.
All of that movement made the vehicle shake
If it fell from the sleigh, it would surely break.

And then, in a twinkling, I heard on the roof
The prancing and pawing of each little hoof.
That better be Santa and not some thief
Thinking this thought gave me no relief.

As I drew in my hand, and was turning around,
Down the chimney St. Nicholas came with a bound.
Being quite cautious, I still had my gun
I know how to use it to protect everyone.

He was dressed all in fur, from his head to his foot,
And his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot;
I still wasn’t sure. Was this Santa Claus?
No need to fire yet, so I stood with a pause.

A bundle of toys he had flung on his back,
And he looked like a peddler just opening his pack.
Was this stuff stolen or was it legit?
I wondered aloud, “Where did he get it?”

His eyes — how they twinkled! his dimples how merry!
His cheeks were like roses, his nose like a cherry!
Was he feeling well? Was he contagious?
To become sick by Santa would be outrageous?

His droll little mouth was drawn up like a bow,
And the beard of his chin was as white as the snow;
He smiled at me, gun still in my hand,
But he wasn’t afraid, I didn’t understand.

The stump of a pipe he held tight in his teeth,
And the smoke it encircled his head like a wreath;
Yes, Santa smokes. He’s still a role model.
He also had whiskey, drank straight from the bottle.

He had a broad face and a little round belly,
That shook when he laughed, like a bowlful of jelly.
Bet you didn’t know that jelly can laugh
A misplaced modifier can be quite a gaffe

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf,
And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of myself;
I had given a chuckle, still somewhat nervous,
Had this fat man in a suit come here just to hurt us?

A wink of his eye and a twist of his head,
Soon gave me to know I had nothing to dread;
So I lowered my gun from its steady aim
Thankful it wasn’t his life I had claimed.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work,
And filled all the stockings; then turned with a jerk,
It was probably the foot smell that made him react
Unless it was his smoke that caused him to hack.

And laying his finger aside of his nose,
And giving a nod, up the chimney he rose;
I’ll never know if it was our feet or his smoke
Which caused dear Santa to cough and to choke.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle,
And away they all flew like the down of a thistle.
He was really quite silent inside that room
But noisy as traffic when out under the moon.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he drove out of sight,
HAPPY CHRISTMAS TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD-NIGHT!
He had shouted to all, again without warning.
Then someone cursed and replied, “It’s still early morning!”

Twelve Days of Pragmatic Christmas

On the first day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me a burger with some french fries

On the second day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the third day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the fourth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the fifth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the sixth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the seventh day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me seven empty boxes
…six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the eighth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me eight extension cords
…seven empty boxes
…six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the ninth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me nine yards of duct tape
…eight extension cords
…seven empty boxes
…six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the tenth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me ten paperclips stuck together
…nine yards of duct tape
…eight extension cords
…seven empty boxes
…six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the eleventh day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me eleven how-to manuals
…ten paperclips stuck together
…nine yards of duct tape
…eight extension cords
…seven empty boxes
…six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

On the twelfth day of Christmas, a pragmatist brought to me receipts for reimbursement
…eleven how-to manuals
…ten paperclips stuck together
…nine yards of duct tape
…eight extension cords
…seven empty boxes
…six AA batteries
…five feet of rope
…four brand new tires
…three bars of soap
…two socks that go together
…and a burger with some french fries

Murphy’s La

This idea spawned from a pun. There’s even a tune that’s probably just as bad.

Murphy’s La is the name of this song
It’s about all these things that could go wrong
Your house could burn down when you step out
You could be struck blind and stumble about
An airplane could fall down from the sky
It might hit you, and then you would die
You’re running late, and you lose your keys
And suddenly develop undiagnosed allergies
What else could go wrong? You wonder now
What if you were hit by a falling cow?
Where’d this cow come from? You don’t really care.
‘Cause you’ve just been bitten by a rabid hare.
You think you couldn’t have any worse luck
But out of your eye you spy a runaway truck.
The truck is moving out of control
You step out of the way but fall in a hole
Your day’s getting worse, and it’s not even nine
Now you’re being laughed at by some neighborhood mime
Does my neighborhood have a mime? You ask.
Nope, somewhere else. He was just walking past.
You climb out of the hole, and your whole body shakes
And then you hear a snap as your leg breaks.
Your day’s getting started, and it’s gonna get worse
But that’s just the end of the very first verse.

First John: Poetry Bible Edition

Word of Life, from the beginning
                 We have heard Him
                 We have seen Him
                 We looked and we touched
 Life manifested to us from the Father
                 What we witnessed, we proclaim
 We fellowship with the Father
                 And His Son Jesus Christ
 This is our joy. This is our message.
                 God is light, possessing no darkness.
 If we say we have fellowship yet walk in darkness,
                 We live a lie, not truth
 But if we walk in the Light, we have fellowship
                 And Christ’s blood cleanses our sins.
 If we say we don’t sin
                 We live, though deceived
 But sin when confessed
                 His forgiveness receives
 If we say we don’t sin
                 We call God a liar
                 His word is not in us.
 Little children, don’t sin
                 That’s why I write
 But if you do sin
                 Your Advocate is Christ
 For us and the world
                 Sin is why He died
If we obey Him
                 We know Him.
 If we say we know Him
                 But do not follow Him,
                 Do we really know Him?
When we keep His word,
                 God’s love is perfected
 But when we don’t listen,
                 His word’s misdirected.
To walk as He walked
                 This commandment’s not new
 Though you heard it before
                 Yet I rewrite it to you
A new command I also write
                 To hate your brother
                 Is darkness, not light
                 To walk with hate
                 Is to walk without sight
 I write to you, children
                 Your sins are forgiven
                 And you know the Father
 I write to you, fathers
                 You know Him
                 Who is from the beginning
 I write to you, young men
                 You overcame the evil one
                 You are strong
                 God’s word is in you.
To love the world,
                 Its lusts, which are passing,
 Is to hate the Father
                 The One who is lasting
You know the truth
                 It’s to you I write
 You believe Jesus
                 Is He who is Christ
 Those who deny this
                 Deny Father and Son
 And are not anointed
                 By the Holy One
Now this is a promise
                 We have in Christ
 We’ll not end in death
                 But from the grave rise
 For God grants His child
                 Eternal life
This is a promise
                 That you can receive
 For you are His child
                 If Him you believe
How great is God’s love
                 To be called His child
 Yet the world does not know us
                 For it did not know Him
Abide in Christ
                 Then when He appears
 Your confidence assured
                 You’ll have nothing to fear
Though we know not what we’ll be
                 When Jesus we see
 We know we’ll be like Him
                 He is our surety.
 In this we hope
                 And live with purity
Sin and lawlessness
                 Are one and the same
 Yet conquering sin
                 Is why Jesus came
 Sin is of the devil
                 So don’t live as he
 Righteousness is of God
                 So live righteously
 This is how a child is known
                 Which father he has
                 Whose seed has been sown
 The seed of God results in what’s right
                 Love for one’s brother
                 Love for each other
Look at Cain
                 His brother he killed
                 The reason because Cain was e-vil
Don’t be surprised
                 By the world and its hate
 Give me a moment
                 I’ll elaborate
 Death and life are mutually exclusive
                 Hate is of death
                 Life is of love
                 Hate is from below
                 Life is from above
What does it mean?
                 Perhaps you might ask
 Let me illustrate
                 With one simple task:
 You can help someone out,
                 A brother in need,
 Yet choose to ignore him
                 That’s living selfishly
 Love not in word only
                 But also in deed
 Love is best expressed
                 When sacrificial, you see.
In this assurance
                 Our hearts can confide
 By this we can know
                 It’s in Christ we abide
 This is confirmed
                 By His Spirit inside.
Now not every spirit
                 Represents Jesus Christ
 Don’t follow the false ones
                 His humanity they deny
 They are of the world
                 They follow a lie
Love is of God
                 Let’s love each other so
 That we demonstrate love
                 Of the God that we know
 His Son’s death on the cross
                 How His love He did show.
No one’s seen God
                 That much is true
 But of this we testify
                 And pass on to you
 Jesus is God’s Son
                 Who came in the flesh
 This is a truth
                 His children confess
By this you can know
                 Your love is sincere
 When you live in the world
                 Yet without fear
 Of the day of judgment
                 As it draws near
Love casts out fear
                 And God first loved you
 Because of God’s love
                 You can love too
Now if you say you love God
                 Whom you’ve not seen
 But then hate your brother
                 How can this be
 When love’s a commandment
                 God gave unto thee?
Christ is of God
                 His life He did give
 In order to show us
                 How we ought to live
The world full of fear
                 Cannot know love
 When it denies
                 The One from above
 This is the world
                 That Christ overcame
 If you believe Him
                 You’re promised the same.
Both water and Spirit
                 And also the blood
 Testify that Jesus
                 Is man, yet He’s God
 The Spirit is truth
                 And so cannot lie
 This is the message
                 That He testifies
These three witnesses
                 They all agree
 Christ put on flesh
                 Yet is still deity
 God’s Son is the one
                 Who grants victory
These things I have written
                 To you who believe
 And know eternal life
                 Is what you receive
Since we’re God’s children
                 He hears our prayers
 He gives what we need
                 And that shows He cares
 So if you have a request
                 He wants you to share
If you see a brother
                 Who’s caught in sin
 Pray that God will grant
                 Victory to him
There is a sin
                 Which leads not to death
 But sin at its core
                 Is unrighteousness
Those born of God
                 Cannot keep sinning
 For God who is holy
                 Is the one who is winning
 And He is the one
                 In whom we’re depending
 He’s also the one
                 Who gives understanding
Here’s one last thing
                 That I wish to convey
 It’s by Christ’s death
                 Sin’s washed away
So follow the truth
                 Not that which is false
 It wasn’t the idols
                 That died on the cross.

Insociable Media

In the age of social media,
Our convictions are certain
It doesn’t matter what happened
Or who may be hurtin’

We can honor people
Who do nothing great
Or quickly crucify those
Who make a mistake.

Circumstances don’t matter
We’re so quick to judge
We don’t need all the facts
Video alone is proof enough

We’re judges and juries
We know exactly why
That thing happened.
Our views cannot be denied

Responsibility
No one wants to take it
Everyone else’s fault
That’s why we can’t make it

Hate is all around us
The Internet just made it faster
Alert everyone you know
About each human disaster!

People are jaded and cynical
It’s so commonplace
We point out others’ failures
And leave no room for grace

It’s easy to condemn
Where you’ve never been
And pass on blame
To whomever you shame

There are wrongs in this world
That much is true
But when quick to judge,
What if it were you?